Why I stayed and Why it Matters?

I try not to think about those years. I consider them a time before I had found my strength. I didn’t know that I could have power, or that I could determine my own destiny. I think more than anything, I didn’t know that I deserved to make my own destiny.

Years ago I was in a relationship with a drug addicted alcoholic con man. For two years he trapped me in a spiral of self-doubt and emotional turmoil.

Tonight, reading http://joynessthebrave.wordpress.com/2014/10/03/the-problem-with-nice-little-girls/ I realized that another reason I stayed was because I wanted to think of myself as nice. I was raised to work hard, know my place, and be useful. I think for a long time I thought that useful was the same thing as helpful. And I thought that being helpful meant giving.

So I gave. And I gave. And I gave. And when I thought I had given so much that there was nothing left I felt like there must be something wrong with me.

I stayed because I thought I could help. I grew up in the 80’s where the buzzwords were “self-confidence” and “just say no.” They taught girls in my generation that if you believed in yourself you could be anything you wanted to be. They taught us that addiction was a choice.

I took what they had taught me and turned it into the belief that if I could prove to him that he was lovable and worth it then he would begin to make good choices. I wanted to show him that life could be lovely.. If he “just said no” then he would be happy and successful.

So I stayed through drug abuse. I stayed through physical and sexual abuse. I stayed through unpredictability. I stayed through thievery and emotional intimidation. I stayed through infidelity. And, I kept trying to fix things.

I have a college degree. I like to read. I don’t consider myself stupid. I have intelligent and successful friends.

But I stayed.

It was a waste of my time. It was a waste of my energy. It was self-destructive.

Staying was one of the dumbest things I have ever done.

I didn’t listen when good friends tried to rescue me and pull me bodily out of danger.

I stayed because I had believed that everyone had the capacity to achieve great things. And I stayed because I believed in the goodness inherent in man.

I finally left because I had a child. I looked at my son and realized that if I stayed the odds weren’t looking good for his success. So I found my power. But I was doing it to help my son, so maybe it was the power and potential I could see in those stunning blue eyes. But I grabbed it and ran.

Now, years later I am happily married to a man who treats me well. He encourages me to do things I love and helps me take good care of our little family. He is a good husband and father and a good man. I have found the ability to say “no” when I need to and am learning that I don’t have to volunteer for every bake sale or to help every friend and acquaintance.

A little over a year ago I had a daughter and I realized that the lessons you teach a girl about the world are a bit different than the ones you teach a boy. Our boys we raise to be explorers and conquerors. We raise them with a healthy dose of ego and a sense of self-preservation. I am raising my boys to be good to people. I am trying to teach them that with great power comes great responsibility, and to stay away from the Dark Side. I know I have to teach a girl those same lessons.

Now, looking at my daughter I realize I have some important lessons to teach her. I want her to know that she is worth fighting for. I want her to know that she needs to read a bit more Ayn Rand and a bit less Immanuel Kant.

How do we teach our girls that being helpful sometimes means being helpful to ourselves? How do we teach them to give it their all, but not too much?
Where is the happy medium?

I fully intend to warn her that not everyone will have her best interests at heart.
I will teach her that people can and will be predatory. And that often predators stalk and trap their prey, in suburbia as well as in the wild.

But how do I teach her these things and send her out into the world with a sense of herself as very powerful?

I want her to learn that she matters.
I want her to be Xena the Warrior Princess, powerful, sexy, ruthless, and tough.

Why I Stayed

I try not to think about those years. I consider them a time before I had found my strength. I didn’t know that I could have power, or that I could determine my own destiny. I think more than anything, I didn’t know that I deserved to make my own destiny.

Years ago I was in a relationship with a drug addicted alcoholic con man. For two years he trapped me in a spiral of self-doubt and emotional turmoil.

Tonight, reading http://joynessthebrave.wordpress.com/2014/10/03/the-problem-with-nice-little-girls/ I realized that another reason I stayed was because I wanted to think of myself as nice. I was raised to work hard, know my place, and be useful. I think for a long time I thought that useful was the same thing as helpful. And I thought that being helpful meant giving.

So I gave. And I gave. And I gave. And when I thought I had given so much that there was nothing left I felt like there must be something wrong with me.

I stayed because I thought I could help. I grew up in the 80’s where the buzzwords were “self-confidence” and “just say no.” They taught girls in my generation that if you believed in yourself you could be anything you wanted to be. They taught us that addiction was a choice.

I took what they had taught me and turned it into the belief that if I could prove to him that he was lovable and worth it then he would begin to make good choices. I wanted to show him that life could be lovely.. If he “just said no” then he would be happy and successful.

So I stayed through drug abuse. I stayed through physical and sexual abuse. I stayed through unpredictability. I stayed through thievery and emotional intimidation. I stayed through infidelity. And, I kept trying to fix things.

I have a college degree. I like to read. I don’t consider myself stupid. I have intelligent and successful friends.

But I stayed.

It was a waste of my time. It was a waste of my energy. It was self-destructive.

Staying was one of the dumbest things I have ever done.

I didn’t listen when good friends tried to rescue me and pull me bodily out of danger.

I stayed because I had believed that everyone had the capacity to achieve great things. And I stayed because I believed in the goodness inherent in man.

I finally left because I had a child. I looked at my son and realized that if I stayed the odds weren’t looking good for his success. So I found my power. But I was doing it to help my son, so maybe it was the power and potential I could see in those stunning blue eyes. But I grabbed it and ran.

Now, years later I am happily married to a man who treats me well. He encourages me to do things I love and helps me take good care of our little family. He is a good husband and father and a good man. I have found the ability to say “no” when I need to and am learning that I don’t have to volunteer for every bake sale or to help every friend and acquaintance.

A little over a year ago I had a daughter and I realized that the lessons you teach a girl about the world are a bit different than the ones you teach a boy. Our boys we raise to be explorers and conquerors. We raise them with a healthy dose of ego and a sense of self-preservation. I am raising my boys to be good to people. I am trying to teach them that with great power comes great responsibility, and to stay away from the Dark Side. I know I have to teach a girl those same lessons.

Now, looking at my daughter I realize I have some important lessons to teach her. I want her to know that she is worth fighting for. I want her to know that she needs to read a bit more Ayn Rand and a bit less Immanuel Kant.

How do we teach our girls that being helpful sometimes means being helpful to ourselves? How do we teach them to give it their all, but not too much?
Where is the happy medium?

I fully intend to warn her that not everyone will have her best interests at heart.
I will teach her that people can and will be predatory. And that often predators stalk and trap their prey, in suburbia as well as in the wild.

But how do I teach her these things and send her out into the world with a sense of herself as very powerful?

I want her to learn that she matters.
I want her to be Xena the Warrior Princess, powerful, sexy, ruthless, and tough